Upswinging

So yes, I've been up all night and I feel great. Amazing. Crazy and amazing.

Anyways, this is probably the strangest manic swing I've had yet. I'm awake and feel physically great. It's just the mental troubles that plague me.

So, feeling isolated and alone in a sea of people is normal? Look at the hordes of kids at campus. They're all happily going about their lives, involved in things, working their way through school and getting on with living. Me, I stand outside of that busy antfarm existence, looking through the glass, while pitying and desiring their position all at the same time. If only it could be so simple as to just party and play the role of the college student.

I could wear Abercrombie, style my hair a certain way, drive a certain car. I could drink certain drinks and say certain things. Who would I be? Someone everyone else wants me to be.

Heck, I'd fit in! Be normal. I might even find another ant out there who'd like to work on this simulcrum of life with me.

Is my current existence any better? I'm not sure.

It's grinding to be alone. I require regular attention, both mental and physical. And no, I'm not talking about sex. I'm talking about cuddling, having someone run their fingers through my hair (something that I enjoy so much I think I'm a mog [points for reference]), a simple hug. Just being able to hold on to someone else would fill a gap in my soul that just shows how incomplete I am.

Empty. That about sums it up. That's how I feel. Empty. Things don't bring me as much joy as they used to. Fun things just aren't that fun anymore. Work things dominate my time, fun things take away from the time I need to work. It's a vicious cycle, and I'm not really sure how to stop it.

"Go out more!" they say. "Meet people!" they say. How? I don't have anyone in my classes who's vaguely interesting. I'm still not exactly sure how to go about trying to pick someone up out of a group of their friends. I think you're just asking for trouble to wander over to a random group of people and start trying to talk to one of them. I have no contacts, no connections, no possibilities. Heck, my friends are too damn busy or don't know anyone either! Bah. Meet new people. I wish I'd remember how.

I feel: Crazy =|